


Drunk, Horny, and Belligerent

by Gus G23k



Category: Zombieland
Genre: Adventure, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-28
Updated: 2012-06-28
Packaged: 2013-06-22 12:47:26
Rating: T
Chapters: 1
Words: 439
Publisher: www.fanfiction.net
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8263730/1/
Author URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/4078740/Gus-G23k
Summary: Forced from his last safe-house by a seige of undead, one troubled and innappropriate adventurer carves his path the only way he knows how; drunk, horny, and belligerent. OC Rated T probably





	Drunk, Horny, and Belligerent

The whole world feels empty. I haven't seen a single person that wasn't shambling or missing a few appendages for a good couple of weeks (months? I'm not sure if watching one guy get eaten alive in a Prius counts as seeing someone) and I'm starting to feel the desperation of loneliness. That's saying a lot for a guy that spends all day playing video games, smoking weed, and masturbating to Brazilian fart porn on his shitty laptop in his shitty apartment.

I've taken it all for granted.

I never knew how much I could miss steamy baths, a cold latte, another steamy bath, long lines at the grocery store, loud crying babies, annoying pop music, bills, relationships…

On second thought, I'm making due without it. Lattes are for pussies.

I can still write in you. With a great shortage of nothing else to do in this post-apocalyptic world, you're the only thing that'll keep me sane. I've got one black pen, seven bullets for a gun I don't even have, a whole pack of peppermint Trident chewing gum, an especially warm bottle of Jack, and a January 1981 Playboy magazine featuring Barbara Bach on the cover, the one with the John Lennon interview…

… I'm so lonely. At least you'll never leave me.

I mean, at least you **can't** leave me, but to tell you the truth, I'd trade you for Brazilian porn any day. Today is June something or July and I may or may not have accidentally made too much noise crying myself to sleep in the fetal position last night after using up the last of my cell phone's battery trying to surf my favorite porn website only to discover that the Internet is gone because it isn't a self-sufficient machine powered by homophobic insults and conspiracy theories involving lizard Jews like I've always imagined but rather just another man-operated product that requires constant vigilance like my hamste-

I have also just discovered that my hamster, Chivalry, is dead, and he has been that way for a few… for a good amount of time. I always thought that smell was me… On another note, all my crying has led a bunch of those shambling corpses outside of my door in this small, stupid, smelly (it's not me, thank fuck) apartment and I've got nowhere to go so…

I'm going out the way I lived; with my hand on my dick and my belt on my throat. Wish me luck.

**STUCK IN ZOMBIELAND**


End file.
